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Why Smart Leaders Stop Listening

Why Smart Leaders Stop Listening RAW Leadership - Steve Barker
Why Smart Leaders Stop Listening RAW Leadership - Steve Barker

Why Smart Leaders Stop Listening — And What Your Ego Has To Do With It


Have you ever wondered why your team has stopped telling you things?

Why they don't challenge you like they used to?

Why they seem to be doing their own thing?

Or why communication just doesn't seem to be as good as it once was?


We often assume there's a communication problem.


But what if the problem isn't that your team has stopped communicating?

What if you've stopped listening?


And what if your ego has something to do with it?


That's what I explore in Episode 52 of the RAW Leadership Podcast, Why Smart Leaders Stop Listening. - Listen to the Podcast here


And I'm not talking about someone else's leadership mistake.

I'm talking about mine.


My ego got in the way

During my Royal Air Force career, I spent about three years running and developing a training programme.

I'd refined it.

I'd tweaked it.

I'd got it working really well.

The feedback from senior leadership was good and I was proud of what we'd achieved.

Then I was given the opportunity to go away on a four-month deployment.

I handed the section over to two acting sergeants.

Before I left, I gave them what I thought was a pretty straightforward instruction:

“Don't change anything. It's working well.”


I went away.

And while I was gone, they changed things.

They introduced new ideas.

They changed processes.

They started doing things differently.

And I didn't like it.

I felt like my authority was being undermined.

I felt like something I'd spent three years building was being pulled apart.

I became frustrated.

I became defensive.

And, if I'm honest, I became a bit of a pain in the arse.

I even made comments on social media about having to come back and sort out the mess.

They saw the comments.

They were understandably upset.

My leadership challenged me about it when I returned, and I ended up having to formally apologise.

It wasn't my finest leadership moment.

But it taught me something that I've carried with me ever since.

My ego had replaced my curiosity.


What was really going on?

Once the emotional dust had settled, I started asking a different question.

Instead of:

“Why have they changed everything?”

I started asking:

“Why did they change it?”

And that changed my perspective.

These two acting sergeants had been given an opportunity to demonstrate their leadership.

They had been given responsibility for my section.

Of course they wanted to make some changes.

Of course they wanted to demonstrate what they could do.

They weren't necessarily trying to destroy what I'd built.

They were trying to build their own leadership capability.

Once I looked at it from their perspective, I could understand it.

That's the difference curiosity can make.


Ego isn't always arrogance

When we talk about ego, most people think about arrogance.

Someone who thinks they're better than everyone else.

Someone who has to be the smartest person in the room.

Someone who always needs to be right.

But I think there's more to it than that.

I talk about ego quite a lot in my RAW Leadership Program, and I describe it as a suit of armour.

It's a protection mechanism.

When we feel threatened, our ego can kick in.

Maybe our authority feels threatened.

Maybe our competence is being questioned.

Maybe somebody is challenging something we've spent years building.

Maybe we feel we're losing control.

And suddenly we're not listening anymore.

We're defending.

We're justifying.

We're interrupting.

We're explaining why we're right.

We're reacting.

That's where self-awareness and emotional intelligence become so important in leadership.

Because it's easy to recognise ego in somebody else.

It's much harder to recognise it in yourself.


Do you need to be right?

Here's something I'd encourage you to think about.

Do you need to be right?

You might immediately say:

“No. I'm quite comfortable being wrong.”

I would probably say the same.

But that's not really the test.

The test is what happens when you're under pressure.

Someone challenges your decision.

Someone disagrees with you in a meeting.

Someone changes something you've created.

One of your team tells you that your idea isn't going to work.

You're stressed.

You're tired.

You've got a dozen other things going on.

What happens then?

Do you become curious?

Or do you become defensive?

Do you ask questions?

Or do you start explaining why you're right?

Do you listen?

Or are you just waiting for your turn to speak?

That's where emotional intelligence, self-awareness and leadership maturity really show themselves.


Stress doesn't help

There's another piece to this that I think leaders sometimes overlook.

Stress.

When we're stressed, we're not necessarily at our best.

We're more likely to react.

We're more likely to make assumptions.

We're more likely to shoot from the hip.

We're more likely to hear something as a challenge when it might not have been intended that way.

That's why I include stress as part of the leadership conversations I have with clients.

Stress management isn't just about feeling better.

If you're responsible for people, performance and decisions, your ability to manage your response under pressure is part of your leadership capability.

Your team sees how you respond.

And they learn from it.


Bring more curiosity and less judgement

One of the things I say to my clients all the time is:

Bring more curiosity and less judgement.

It's a simple idea.

But try it.

Instead of:

“Why are they doing that?”

Try:

“I wonder why they're doing that?”

Instead of:

“They've got this completely wrong.”

Try:

“What if I'm missing something?”

Instead of:

“They don't understand.”

Try:

“How do they see it?”

Those questions change the conversation.

They also change the way you think.

You're no longer trying to prove your point.

You're trying to understand what's actually happening.

And that has a huge impact on leadership communication, conflict resolution, team development and workplace culture.


Try being the last person to speak

Here's another little challenge for you.

If you're leading a meeting, try being the last person to speak.

Introduce the subject.

Then let everyone else have their say.

Don't immediately tell them what you think.

Listen.

Ask questions.

Find out how they see the situation.

You might be surprised at what you hear.

I've seen plenty of meetings where the leader speaks first and everyone else spends the rest of the meeting agreeing with them.

That isn't necessarily alignment.

Sometimes it's simply people knowing which way the wind is blowing.

If you want people to contribute, give them the space to do it.

That's a big part of creating psychological safety.


Psychological safety isn't just an HR term

Psychological safety has become a big part of conversations around modern leadership and workplace culture.

And rightly so.

But I don't think psychological safety is something you create by writing a policy or putting a poster on the wall.

It's created through everyday behaviour.

Can someone disagree with you?

Can they tell you they've made a mistake?

Can they challenge an idea?

Can they raise a concern?

Can they say:

“I don't think that's going to work”

without worrying about what happens next?

If the answer is no, people eventually learn to keep their mouths shut.

And that's a problem.

Because when people stop speaking, you lose information.

You don't know what's really happening.

And as a leader, that's dangerous.


Here's something you can try this week

For the next seven days, just notice yourself.

You don't need to change everything.

Just notice.

When someone challenges you, ask yourself:

What am I feeling right now?

Then:

What am I assuming?

Then:

What else could be going on here?

Then:

What would happen if I became curious instead of defensive?

Those few seconds can make a massive difference.

It's the difference between reacting and responding.


And this is where leadership gets interesting

I've spent more than 30 years in leadership, across the military and civilian environments, and more than seven years coaching leaders.

I've learned plenty.

But I've also got plenty wrong.

And I think that's important to acknowledge.

Because leadership development isn't about becoming some perfect leader who always knows what to say and always gets it right.

It is about becoming more aware of your own human behaviour.

Your patterns.

Your triggers.

Your assumptions.

Your ego.

Your response to stress.

And the impact all of that has on the people around you.

That's why I spend time on these subjects in the RAW Leadership Program.

Because leadership isn't just about strategy, KPIs, performance management and getting the job done.

It's about people.

And if you don't understand people — including yourself — you're going to find leadership a lot harder than it needs to be.


So, what's your ego doing?

If you're a business owner, executive or leader and you're feeling disconnected from your team, I'd encourage you to stop for a moment before deciding that they're the problem.

Ask yourself:

Why aren't they speaking up?

Why aren't they challenging me?

Why are they doing things differently?

Why don't I seem to be getting the information I used to get?

And perhaps the uncomfortable question:

What might I be doing that is contributing to this?

Because your team might not have stopped caring.

They might have stopped feeling that it's worth speaking.

And there is a big difference.


Leadership begins with curiosity

My experience with those two acting sergeants taught me something I wish I'd understood much earlier in my leadership career.

I didn't need to have all the answers.

I needed to ask better questions.

I needed to understand their perspective.

I needed to stop assuming that because I'd built something, it couldn't be improved.

And I needed to recognise when my ego was talking louder than my curiosity.

That's why I finish Episode 52 with this:

Leadership begins the moment curiosity becomes more important than being right.

Think about that.

Then think about what happens in your leadership when someone challenges you.

That's where the real work starts.


Want to understand your leadership better?

The ego is just one piece of the puzzle.

In the RAW Leadership Program, we explore ego, human behaviour, emotional intelligence, stress, communication, conflict resolution, psychological safety, leadership mindset, accountability, behavioural change and workplace culture — and, more importantly, how these things show up in your day-to-day leadership.

If something in this article has made you stop and think, perhaps it's worth having a conversation.

My Leadership Health Check is a couple of hours set aside to step away from the day-to-day and take an honest look at your leadership and culture.

What's working?

What's not?

And where could you make a real difference?

If you'd like to explore that, book a 30-minute conversation with me.

Because sometimes the biggest leadership breakthrough isn't learning something new.

It's finally noticing something you've been doing all along.



 
 
 

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